finally, finally

character c has decided to leave character b.

him: hihiwalayan ko siya para mahalin ka.

i can't breathe. i can't breathe.
~*~
ok. i was half expecting this. but not really. i had more than half a mind this afternoon to really, forcefully call it quits with character c. i came upon this decision in fit of rage over his jealousy over this old friend of mine who just happened to be an old flame too. i was in a rage because i was oh so very confused. and i don't like being confused about anything. anyways, we were both in a rage after around 3 messages.

what was i supposed to do?

i just can't have him tell me over and over that i cannot see so and so persons, he is jealous of so and so...and more importantly, that i should stop smoking; if he cannot get himself to tell me that we do, we do have a bloody relationship.

so maybe i did play hardball with him. but i really couldn't help it. i just don't like constraints without labels, i guess. i'm fine with minimal labels, but none at all at this point seems simply absurd. no one tells me to stop smoking without trying at least to explain why they say so. or at least, i don't think he should have that much hold on me unless, unless he gets over himself and admits that what we do have is an honest to goodness relationship. am sorry, but i really don't have time or energy for vagueness right now.

in retrospect, i may have been too hard on character c. but then again, if i don't push him against the wall now, when will i start to get a move on with my charmed life? i've said this over and over, i don't like to be kept hanging. i hate uncertainty. especially uncertainties i can remedy. and this, my friends is certainly one of them. this is the type of problem that i can avoid, these are the types of questions i can live without if only character c just said whatever is running through his brain.

well, my efforts have paid off. he is leaving her. and that is that.
~*~
in other news, character a is becoming terribly assertive. he refuses. flat out refuses to give up on the carcass of our relationship with the hopes of reviving the damn thing. but what else can he do? i've already made my choice.

i can't stand character a anymore. i just can't bloody stand him. and that's not very hard to understand. a lot of people can actually understand why i simply cannot stand him. there's really not much he can do about the whole thing since i've already made up my mind. given, i gave character a 5 months to clean up his act. it's five months of lip service. i'm not sure if i explained that to character c. prolly not. prolly not.

but then again, do i really have to explain myself? do i really have to?

sometime soon, character a must come to understand this: that all the time he ignored me and took me for granted was precious too. that i don't appreciate the close to zero efforts he gave in the past. and it's not really feasible for him to try and make up for lost time now, now that he realizes that i cannot possibly be here forever if our relationship stays this way.

i have been demonstrative all this time. i do not want to explain myself again.

100

i was so goddamned drunk last night, character c had to pick me up. i was really, really stark raving drunk. he really, really had to take care of me then. he had to rock me to sleep, clothe me and put me to bed. i was so bloody out of it last night that i couldn't even count.

weekend gave me some points of clarity.

1. i do, i do love character c.
2. he keeps on choosing character b, goddamned it.
3. if he doesn't give me a straight answer by the next weekend, i will fucking whoop his ass.
4. i want to be with him but i won't lower my pride.
5. he won't lower his pride either.

this is going nowhere. this is going absolutely nowhere.

~*~
yesterday morning, he was here. he now holds the distinction of being the only boy that i took into my own bed. i've never brought anyone into my room, let alone have some guy naked on my bed. but now he owns the distinction as my first.

sunday's child

am waiting for character c to arrive. no boy has done this before. and i'm hoping, no other boy will. :D

wince

i spent most of yesterday at character c's house. i met most of his family too. it was fun. they fed me till i couldn't breathe. his family is warm, chatty and forthcoming. not at all like mine. mine is just cold and disdainful towards most of my boys. i do wonder though, what they think of me...as per my reasons for being there in the first place. but i like them. i noticed that they do get into each other's business a little too much. then again, that's the case for practically all of the families in this little country.

i'm still wondering though. do they think character c and i have a thing going on? more importantly, do they feel that we have something going on?

i think at some points, they saw us holding hands and such. character c did kiss me when no one was looking. that was nice. i didn't really expect that.

something happened when i left though. i was hugging character c goodbye...

me: i love you
him: i...salamat

hay. jesus h. christ. sayang.


i'll see him again tomorrow. this time, he'll be coming over to my house. sana hindi kami mahuli. hahahahaha.

him: mukhang ok sa kanila (his family) ah!
me: parang ok naman
him: ganun talaga. pag mahal ng isa, tanggap ng lahat.

ibig sabihin ba nito, mahal niya rin ako? o general statement lang yun. but then again, as my friend **** would said:

tae, hindi ka ipapakilala kung di ka mahal. walang tangang gagawa nun.

maybe he does love me and he's just afraid of saying so. it's confusing because i keep waiting for him to tell me but he just doesn't. he likes resisting me. he has a conscious crusade to resist me, goddamn him.

when this absurd set up end? for the love of god, we're perpetually hanging by a thread. we're almost there but not quite. i really can't stand it for much longer.

notes for today

1. be wary, very wary.

went to character c's today. andohmyfuckinglord.

tis all.

past the point of no return

i was with character c again this evening. it's past one in the morning now and i just got home. we spent time together alone for most of (last) the night despite the fact the a great person from our group passed away earlier in the day.

yesterday (monday), i defended my bloody thesis. i have to say i did this quite well for someone who barely had time to prepare and make the said paper. character c brought me food when i got home. it was some kind chinese bread thingy that he had to go all over binondo to find. it was sweet. he didn't even stay for more than ten minutes.

i have noticed some changes with the way character c acts around me.

first, he is getting into the habit of carrying me around. he carries me around (in private of course) for the most mundane reasons. when he wants me to move over, instead of telling me he just takes me in his arms. if we're supposed to go to another part of the room together, he doesn't wait for me to get up; he just carries me. and sometimes, he carries me for no reason at all.

second, he has taken the habit of burrowing his face into my breasts, neck or whatever body part is nearest to him.

third, he likes rocking me back and forth now and saying "baby".

fourth, he doesn't pull back first when we hug anymore.

and lastly, he also has gotten into the habit of giving me little kisses on the forehead and on my nose.

hmmmm....

tonight was experiment night. some things, i've never done before. monday night, he was asking me about my weaknesses and such. then he asked me:

"kung manliligaw ba ako sa iyo, matatagalan ba bago mo ako sagutin?"

hmmm....again.

~*~
there have been some questions in my head, of course. if i go through with this, that is if character c leaves character b... am i willing to go through a change of lifestyle for this relationship? am i really willing to relocate to another country just to make sure we have all the chances to make it work?

am still not sure.

i've never really gone that far for one relationship. but then again, am older now with an actual chance to be able to relocate. but still. im not really sure of i should do this.

he's leaving soon and i'll know by then what i have to do. if he chooses me, then i definitely have to find a way to justify moving to singapore before the year ends.

'course im scared. who wouldn't be?

but he makes me oh so happy. :D

Completion without satisfaction

i have managed to start and finish my undergraduate thesis in 12 hours. how i actually managed the whole thing remains a mystery to me. i can only hope that whatever i wrote made sense. but then again, judging from the work of other people in my program; i don't think i did too badly. i thought i was the worst of the lot but at around 1 am this morning, i was talking to **** who was also doing her thesis. she told me she was stuck at 500 words. (my word count at that time was roughly 2 500 words or so. i needed around 1 500 more to be able to meet the minimum.)

i then realized that i was not the only one doing the flail dance. which was good to know.

at 3 am this morning, i finished my bloody thesis. fucking integration, migration and labor in the EU. for the ironic effect, it had a bible-theme to it coupled with a marxist framework. just so i could amuse myself. i hope people get the joke. if not, well. it's alright, i guess.

~*~
in other news, character c and i seem to be making some headway. this weekend was enlightening, actually. i think friday was the first time we had dinner and just dinner. he chose this obscure hole in the wall chinese restaurant near avenida. pinsec house, i think. of course, nothing like northpark (which happens to be one of my favorites). but delicious all the same. something he said at that point actually got to me.

him: ayaw mo sa ganito? di ka sanay?
me: *embarrassed smile*
him: di nga?
me: *more embarrassed smiling* ok lang, ok lang talaga
him: naku, dapat masanay ka na. mahilig ako sa mga ganito
me: *further reddening*

it's all these references to the future that are messing with my head. i think that he refers to our collective future more than i do. yes, that's a definite. what i really don't understand about this whole "relationship" that we have is the fact that even if i'm the one making nice pronouncements about how i feel, he's actually the one planning out the whole future ahead. which is strange. he cannot say he loves me BUT he can tell me about a future "us". it is all very strange to me. i've never been in a set up like this. and i don't think i want to be in it again.

though i don't want to force an answer out of him, soon would be nice. am actually trying to concentrate on assuring him that i'm here. that i'm not leaving anytime soon. i will leave eventually, of course. no use keeping his hopes up.

evetually, the conversation lead to a deadline. something that i both regret and want. i have this creeping sensation that i'm competing against an unknown, this character b whom i have never met nor seen pictures of. and i don't like having to compete with someone i can't gauge. i work well competing against something finite, can actually do well in that. but when it comes to character b, all i have are snippets of information. stuff such as:

1. she's some registered nurse practicing somewhere
2. she's going to canada to work, or similar
3. i vaguely remember a portion of her nouveau name (ang mean ko talaga)
4. she has a healthy sexual appetite and is more adventurous than i am since she goes for three ways and i cannot for the life of me...
5. she lives in pasig
6. her mom is from ilocos, or similar northern province

ok, that's about all i know about her. of course, i could have tried sneakily looking over character c's phonebook. but what good would that do? she may not even be there. hell, i'm not there. anyways, i dread the deadline. i dread it. i am scared that after all my efforts; character c will choose character b and i will be left with my misery. and if there's one thing i cannot stand at this point, it is loosing to someone like character b. someone that hasn't been as good as i have been for character c.

of course, i cannot possibly understand the dilemma character c is in. simply because of the lack of facts to paint such a dilemma. in any case, in six months i would have likely forgotten the whole point of this blog entry. which is not to say, i won't recall it if i urge my memory to.

today though, i have this urge to run away from everything. i have this urge not to answer anyone's calls or messages. maybe this is despair at its finest. maybe this is my way of coming to terms with what i cannot have and giving up. am not really sure.

but really. in all blunt honesty. i am giving up. i just can't take this shite. goddammit. i just can't. sure, i am neurotic as hell. and i have my moods. but sometimes, even the foulest of moods cannot equal that silent pain.

my god. it's back. that silent cold pain through the heart. i think i've talked about it before. and now, it's back. though not as intense as before, it's back.

i give up. i will not take this sitting down. i run.

general discontent

here i am. i just got home from seeing him. and i feel like i'm flinging myself at him.

pakiramdam ko, pinagpipilitan ko lang sarili ko sa kanya.

how much more do i have to give, before i finally break? how much time do you need, character c? how much time before you get over yourself and admit why:

1. you go crazy jealous with the thought of me getting it on/going out with someone else
2. you sneak out of the house and give your mom excuses just to see me
3. you want me to move to the country you're moving to
4. you want to have a kid/s with me
5. you told your mother about me (and the pregnant story)

now, if these are not the actions of someone truly in love...i will never be able to tell what love is.

hard choices

character a and i are over. i told him myself. i feel relieved. what bothers me is that character c is still weighing his options. he still loves her, goddammit.

why? why?

i might be seeing character c by friday and i want to be ready then.

even more disturbing. last monday, character c and i had a false alarm. early that morning, i was throwing up all over the staff house. he went white with concern but he couldn't really do much since everyone else was there. but i did see the look on his face. a baby is not what we need right now. we can't have a baby if he can't even goddamned decide if he wants to be with me or not. if he did get me pregnant at this point in time, i would rather not tell him. i wouldn't tell him and i'd run away. but of course, during the whole day that frantic messages were being exchanged (and we were beside each other...just not talking) while we were at the transport strike; i assured him that i would never hide the kid. that i'd let the kid have his last name. that i'd make sure he saw the kid and the kid knew that he was the dad. of course, i lied to him.

really, what was i supposed to do? tell him straight to his face that i think that if he can't even commit to the mother, i'm damn well sure he cannot commit to a kid. i couldn't and wouldn't hurt him that way. i couldn't really say: "i'm sorry, but i just don't see myself building a family with you because you're so goddamned clueless about your own bloody life." or "you can't get your act together. you can't even pick a girl friend. what makes you think you'd be a good dad?"

anyways, it was a false alarm. but god damn it and bloody hell. he told his mom. he fucking told his mom that i might be pregnant. given that he didn't say who the "girl" was, i don't think his mom has lots of options. me and her. practically the only two women in his life. i asked him why he didn't just tell his mother that i was the girl. and now, he will tell her. and not sure if i feel better now.

i just want us to be normal. i don't want to be kept hanging. how much more do i have to wait before he says that he cannot be without me. the question is: will he say that at all? or will he say that he has decided to be with her?

of course i really can't do much here. i've said all there is to say. and if he can't get it into his bloody head that with all due respect, i've been doing a better job at being a girlfriend than her...well, he can just go fuck himself. in the literal and symbolic sense.

if he still can't make a bloody decision by the time he leaves for singapore, i'm calling it quits. by god, i'm calling it quits.

and jesus h. christ. by quits, i really do mean quits.

Emotional

To You Who is Forever Away
Raph Doval-Santos

Forgive me, forgive me -
already the days are numbered, marked and measured
when you are here in Manila;
tomorrow, you will leave me again,
away to that distant shore of my dreams,
jagged as dashed rapids are jagged,
crashing on a cliff.

It is in dreams now I find you,
in a place where no phone numbers can be reached as dialed
or no letters can be read in our wordless language of waiting.
Tomorrow you will leave again,
and I will watch the sky for signs of you.
I stay and watch my face grow old,
ever nearing a future where you're not here.

Yet, I tell you,
at every hour, every second,
at every single moment you spend leaving me,
I am here, still waiting for you.
And for all that time, I will stay,
'till the day comes when I will find you, chase you down
to where the moon can't swim from these shores and drown.

320

Last night, character c was in my arms again. this scene was preceded by me frantically texting him after his bout of jealousy over character d. i was shocked into reality when he declared that he was leaving character b. i was shocked because he never mentioned this before. and in a fit of frustration, he just had to tell me.

could this be? that after all this time, character c and i will finally, finally be together (with no one else in the equation)? can you blame me for being shocked? for not really getting his point immediately.

we had dinner last night and he gave me my birthday gift

waking up

"when the ice gives in beneath you
it changes how you dream"
-John Gorka
"Temporary Road"

It's true. when all is said done, all i have left to do is adapt. i have finally deleted all his messages in my inbox as well as his home and mobile number in my phone book. i am quite happy that we have not been together that long for me to be able to memorize either numbers. i feel better now. better than last night, at least. am going out with my friends tonight and i will make an effort not to mention everything that has happened lately. i don't want to start talking about it because if i do, i'll monopolize the whole conversation. therefore, i will not talk about characters a, c and d tonight. i want to catch up with my friends. i want to hear about what they have been up to.

i will be alright. i can do this. i've moved on before and i can move on now.

but jesus h. christ, why has it to be so goddamned hard?

i miss you, character c. but sadly, the shit you give me isn't what i need now or at any point in my life. i refuse to be your doormat. i refuse to validate you when the whole world walks out on you. i refuse to hold and comfort you when SHE can't do it because she has no time for you. i refuse to just give you my heart just because for the time being, you can't have hers. and then, you forget all about me when you're with her. i have better things to do with my life. and i will forget you. by god, i will forget you.

i have no regrets that i told you last night that i would wish you dead if you ever hurt me again.

makulimlim

I'm Dying, Dying to wake up without you, without you in my head again
I'm Dying, Dying to forget about you, that you ever lived
There's a shade come over this heart that's coping with laying down to rest
I'm Dying to live without you again

I'm Dying, Dying to find a distraction, get you away from me
I'm Dying, Dying to reach a conclusion, so that the world can see
It's the same old story of love and glory that broke before it bent
I'm Dying to live without you again

The first time you left I said goodbye
Now there's not a prayer that can survive

Dying, Dying to die just to come back so we can meet again
Dying, Dying to say what I always should have said
It's a strange emotion this but there's still hope in this
As long as there's a breath...
I'm Dying and I can't live without you again

It's a strange emotion this but there's still hope in this
As long as there's a breath...

I'm Dying and I can't live without you
I'm Dying and I can't live without you again

~*~
bakit ganon? ngayon na nakuha ko na talaga ang gusto ko (ma-abswelto), hindi pa rin ako masaya? pero hindi ko na dapat tinatanong sa sarili ko yan. alam ko naman talaga kung bakit hindi ako masaya. kasi alam ko, kahit na mayroon pa rin ako makukuha sa kanya... hindi talaga siya sa akin. alam ko na sa kabila ng lahat ng pinakita ko't ibinigay, hindi naman talaga ako ang mahal niya. hindi naman talaga ako ang pipiliin niya. kailangan ko nang kilalalanin ang malaking posibilidad na ginagamit lang niya ako. na sa ilalim ng lahat ng nangyari, hindi ako ang mahalaga sa kanya. hindi ako ang gusto niyang kasama. kasi kitang kita ko naman yun. kaya shempre naman, nung sinabi niya sa akin kanina na adun nanaman siya sa bahay ng girlfriend nya (pagkatapos namin magkita kaninang umaga); nasaktan ako. granted, hindi ito yung: nahihilo ako't ikakamatay ko ang sakit type of pain...but still. no one likes to get hurt, diba? so ayun, nasaktan nanaman ako. i have this feeling that i should delete all his messages and his number from my phone. para naman sa loob-loob ko, nagantihan ko naman siya kahit papano. pero what good would that do? pag nalaman ko rin naman na siya yung nagtext, sasagutin ko rin naman eh. malungkot talaga ako ngayon. i feel all hollow.

ito pa ang isang nangyari sa araw ko. nakipagkita ako sa isang kaibigan na nagpaparamdam na gusto niya ako. lagi ko na lang siya di pinapansin, kaya naman dahil naudlot ang "happy time" namin ni character c, ayun. pinuntahan ko si character d sa kanila. hindi ko talaga siya gusto. kaso, bad trip nga ako sa umaga namin ni character c. nagpaunlak ako.

at kahit naman dapat maging masaya ako dahil nakadalawa ako sa isang araw. (i am the bomb!) hindi talaga ako masaya. i haven't been this low since... last year. and i'm not even sure what my issue was last year. still, i haven't hit rock bottom. kaso, i think i may well be on my way.

shet.

gusto ka na talagang maging maligaya. saan ba ako makakahanap ng maayos na kausap, may panindigan, magaling sa sex at higit sa lahat, mahal ako? :c pakiramdam ko, kapag natapos na ang lahat ng ito (kay characters a, c at d), hindi na talaga muna ako tatanggap ng kahit anong porma ng pakikipag-relasyon. nahihirapan na kasi ako. baka kailangan ko lang magpahinga.

at putang ina, ayoko nang nasasaktan. ayoko ng bigay lang ako ng bigay. putang ina, buburahin ko na number niya.

the storm has settled

yes, my friends. the storm has passed. and unlike most endings, this one gave me a realization. it's never over. he has come back.

what's strange is i'm ready to loose him all over again.