delubyo

ito na. ito na ang hinihintay ko.
ito na ang delubyo.

mananatili akong nakatayo hanggang matangay sa wakas.

at sa wakas, mamamatay ako.

stiff

it's so hard when life smacks back at you. this afternoon, i was talking to my team mate. nothing much, actually. general things that most people know bits and pieces of. then, as i was making my exit to rush to enta...i told her: "i still love him." i smiled my ass off, but as i was walking back to RMT, i kept on crying.

i want to run away. run till i don't see anything that reminds me of you. run till my lungs burst out. i just don't want to admit defeat because i always thought that no matter what, i would win this fight. that i'd get over this. but too many things remind me of you. and i still have that urge to call you up/ask you for a hug/whine to you when things upset me. it's just that this time around, i fight that urge with all my might. this time around, i can't depend on you for support.

because you're gone. and because you never wanted to be here, with me.

~*~
and to YOU. thank you for never asking me to give what you knew was beyond me. thank you for giving me enough space to move around and grow. and thank you for being so unlike him.

~*~
super bad day today. i want to be hugged. but im alone in this house.

procastination

i've been procastinating about too many things. im less than 48 hours away from my history of political theory mid terms and i haven't actually studied. im close to having a decent relationship with ****, but i've been putting it off for weeks now. and it doesn't help that i have too many farking things to do and i don't want to move at all. i just want to sit somewhere and stare at stuff. i want to fall asleep. just fall asleep. or maybe ask myself questions till nothing makes sense anymore. but i hafta study. i really need to study.

i keep on telling myself that i can't possibly fall in love because im tired of loving. but i know that somehow, little by little...my heart is giving way. when in gives way completely, i'll be dead by then.

kung mamatay ako

parang gusto kong magpakamatay.

in church this morning, i heard about a fifth grade student who tried to commit suicide by jumping off his school building. it was very disturbing. what is more disturbing (for me, at least) is that when i look back, i also attempted suicide when i was in fifth grade. although, i was a sissy and i just drank lysol and baygon.

but still.

it's disturbing nonetheless.

im at a point in my life where i can't see anything clearly anymore on a more personal level. and it's depressing. i feel that i've lost whatever cloak of goodness i had about me. im so tired. im so fucking tired.

but at least now i know that it is possible for someone to suck the life out of you. funny how it has happened to me several times before (but not quite like this) and i still thought that all the life i had in me would stay dancing.

well. apparently, whatever notions i've had of myself aren't true at all. i am not an overflowing well of happiness and optimism. i cannot love and just love. i cannot forgive. and neither can i forget anything. and im not as strong as i seem.

im weak. and today, i whither and surrender.

masakit lang talaga, masakit.

song in my head...

suspension

Lately I’m alright
And lately I’m not scared
I figured out, that what you do to me
Feels like, I’m floating on air

I don’t need to know right now
All I know is, I believe
In the very thing that got us here
And now I can't leave

Say anything, but, say what you mean
Cause I’m caught in suspension

Now, I’m wanting this for sure
And I’ll beg for nothing more
I’ll plan all day and drive all night
You’ll love what’s in store

I cant seem to stop this now
Even if it's not so clear
And I'll take what I can get
If you want me here (If you want me here)

Say anything
But, say what you mean
When you whisper you want this
Your eyes tell the same
We are gaining speed
I can barely breathe
Cause I’m caught in suspension

It’s enough for me to get excited
Is enough for me to feel well
Whoa, whoa... whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa

Say anything
But, say what you mean
When you whisper you want this
(Your eyes tell the same)
We are gaining speed (Suspension)
I can barely breathe (Oh, I can barely breathe)
Cause I’m caught in suspension (Suspension)
I’m caught in suspension

Say anything (Say Anything, Suspension)
But, say what you mean (Oh, I can barely breathe)
I’m caught in suspension (Suspension)
I’m caught in suspension
We are gaining speed (Suspension)
I can barely breathe (Oh, I can barely breathe)
Cause I’m caught in suspension (Suspension)
I’m caught in suspension

Say anything (Say Anything, Suspension)
But say what you mean (Oh, I can barely breathe)
I’m caught in suspension

~*~
i should get a copy of this song sometime. TIME. if only i had more time on my hands. i feel that the universe is conspiring so that i'd be forced to grow up, finally. i was talking to one of my oldest college friends earlier and we both agreed that life has made us grow up before our time. we experienced things way ahaed of our time. and now, we're grovelling. we're desperately trying to hang on to the little peter pan experiences that we had.

i think im having senior's syndrome THIS farking early. im beginning to appreciate cameras and camwhoring. im beginning to see the changes ateneo has gone through. the changes me and my blockmates have gone through. the new faces in the pub room. everything.

and for the first time in my life, im actually sad that i lived/live with such rapidity. i changed loves, perpectives, clothing preferences, hair styles, orgs, commitments without hesitation. i believed in change, in trying out everything. i believed that i had all the time in the world.

now i just wish i could be at a stand still. everything goes by so fast.
~*~
lifemeter:

• people i called the love of my life:1
• people i have loved: 3
• boyfriends: 8
• girlfriends: 2
• relationships: 14
• broken hearts: 2
• instances of excruciating pain: 1
• chances at taking drugs: more than i can count
• cigarettes smoked: more than 700 sticks, i think
• bottles of beer consumed: more than 200
• bottles of vodka consumed: approx. 25
• tequila shots: about 25
• friends: 100
• best friends: 5
• enemies: 1
• regrets: 0
  

imagined freedoms

in light with the political turmoil our country has been going through, i have found myself wondering if the Philippines would ever have a break. i think that i have seen the best and the worst of situations in the Philippines (having been part of a relatively middle class family, being private school bred, having spent time in urban and rural poor communities, going from reservist of the AFP to UG activist, going from Mendiola to Starbuck's) and i've always thought that the main problem was always the fragmented sense of nationalism that each Filipino has.

although i do believe that every Filipino, no matter how cynical he may be of our current political climate does want something better for this country, each one of us have defined for ourselves concepts of this nation without taking much consideration for the greater picture. and somehow, fraternal and fillial bonds hold much more hold on us as a people than the motherland's grasp.

and our president is not above all these. from day one, there has always been suspicion about her motives. and even if in EDSA 2 she seemed like the best alternative to Erap, her pronouncements and subsequent actions (declaring that she wouldn't run in the May polls THEN running anyway) suggest a clear void in her morals. how one person, a supposely intelligent and moral one; could easily be swayed to break promises is beyond me. moreso, how one who alledgedly has faith in the Filipino people and its capabilities should see it necessary to call up a COMELEC official for fear of fraud is odd.

her actions and words don't add up at all. and as someone who believes that the Philippines deserves a leader with integrity i feel sad that we have Mrs. Arroyo for a president. someone who has murdered and cheated millions of Filipinos, here and abroad through her Gestapo like measures deftly cloathed in reforms and laws with pretty words.

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hindi kailangan ng bansang ito ang pandurugas. hindi kailangan ng mga Pilipino ng isang pinunong yumuyurak sa kalayaan na nararapat lamang na matamasa sa ilalim ng democrasya. ngayon ang panahon upang mag-aklas. Pilipinas, gumising na.