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to whom it may concern:
you know who you are. i know you know. i also know what you did. it's a shame i even found out. what a great way to show me how important i am to you. put me on stealth, why don't you. i don't know what to say. i thought we were friends. great friends. close friends.
but then again, this won't be the first time in my life that i was wrong about you.
i was wrong about you, i was so wrong.
i've been here for you through everything. and today's pleasant discovery has shown me what all of those times meant to you...
NOTHING.
maybe im over reacting. but it doesn't matter now, does it? because when things DID matter, when things blatantly mattered...you couldn't care less. you didn't give a flying fuck.
im disappointed in myself.
why?
because i fooled myself into thinking i was worth anything to you.
good luck with everything.
and...
um gehen zum bumser.
Martes, Mayo 24
Miyerkules, Mayo 18
lastiko
pakiramdam ko, naghahabol ako ng hangin. paikot-ikot lang ako sa isang malaking palayan...paikot-ikot sa mga gusali sa siyudad. basta, paikot-ikot lang. hindi na ako sigurado sa sarili ko. kanina, masaya naman ako. pero ngayon, tila isang halimaw ang kumitil sa mga nalalabi ko pang lakas, sa nalalabi ko pang tuwa.
ikaw ang halimaw.
alam ko iyon. pero may mga halimaw naman na napagkakatiwalaan. palagay ko, alam ko na kung bakit halos walang nakaiintindi sa uri ng relasyon natin. kasi tayo mismo sa mga sarili natin, hindi natin ito naiintindihan.
galit ako sa iyo. hindi dahil may mga bagay na pinili mong ilayo sa mga mata ko. hindi dahil may mga bulong na hindi nakarating sa mga tenga ko. galit ako sa iyo dahil napakabilis lang para sa iyo na isawalangtabi ang kahit anong bagay. kahit nasambit mo na noon na mahalaga ang bagay na iyon sa iyo, napakabilis mong bumitaw. napakatulin mong maglakbay. noon ko pa alam yan, na hindi kita talaga masasabayan. ngunit ngayon ko lang talaga naramdaman ang pagiging matulin mo. marahil ay ganoon talaga. mayroong mga taong nangunguna't mabilis na nakaaalis at mayroon naman naiiwang nakatayo habang nanonood.
manonood na lang ako.
sabi ko sa iyo kanina. pakiramdam ko, isa akong lastiko at ikaw isang batang sinusubukan ang lakas ng lastiko. susubukan ito ng bata hanggang bumigay ang lastiko. walang magagawa ang lastiko. nasa kamay siya ng yaong bata. walang kapangyarihan, wala kahit anupaman. naroon lamang siya, sa kamay ng batang iyon. nag-aantay ng huling paghila hanggang sa kumawala.
napakarami ko nang nasabi sa iyo. napakarami nang oras ang iginugol ko para malaman mong hindi ka kailanman nag-iisa. ngunit may mga bagay na sadyang may kapalarang masayang. tulad ng mga patid na lastikong itinatapon ng mga bata sa daan sa ilalim ng init ng araw.
ikaw ang halimaw.
alam ko iyon. pero may mga halimaw naman na napagkakatiwalaan. palagay ko, alam ko na kung bakit halos walang nakaiintindi sa uri ng relasyon natin. kasi tayo mismo sa mga sarili natin, hindi natin ito naiintindihan.
galit ako sa iyo. hindi dahil may mga bagay na pinili mong ilayo sa mga mata ko. hindi dahil may mga bulong na hindi nakarating sa mga tenga ko. galit ako sa iyo dahil napakabilis lang para sa iyo na isawalangtabi ang kahit anong bagay. kahit nasambit mo na noon na mahalaga ang bagay na iyon sa iyo, napakabilis mong bumitaw. napakatulin mong maglakbay. noon ko pa alam yan, na hindi kita talaga masasabayan. ngunit ngayon ko lang talaga naramdaman ang pagiging matulin mo. marahil ay ganoon talaga. mayroong mga taong nangunguna't mabilis na nakaaalis at mayroon naman naiiwang nakatayo habang nanonood.
manonood na lang ako.
sabi ko sa iyo kanina. pakiramdam ko, isa akong lastiko at ikaw isang batang sinusubukan ang lakas ng lastiko. susubukan ito ng bata hanggang bumigay ang lastiko. walang magagawa ang lastiko. nasa kamay siya ng yaong bata. walang kapangyarihan, wala kahit anupaman. naroon lamang siya, sa kamay ng batang iyon. nag-aantay ng huling paghila hanggang sa kumawala.
napakarami ko nang nasabi sa iyo. napakarami nang oras ang iginugol ko para malaman mong hindi ka kailanman nag-iisa. ngunit may mga bagay na sadyang may kapalarang masayang. tulad ng mga patid na lastikong itinatapon ng mga bata sa daan sa ilalim ng init ng araw.
Huwebes, Mayo 12
when standing still...just isn't enough
so emo moment na naman ba?
~*~
today is supposed to be like all the other days i've had. not that nothing ever happens in my life. that's not it at all. it's more like, a lot happens in my life. and many of those things that happen in my life don't concern you at all. actually, up till this morning i haven't even thought about you.
why?
because the last time i saw you (and this was a few months back, i think) you were an inconsiderate bastard. that and i had so many other things on my mind. there was jason. there was timothy. and now presently, there is kevin. relationships, all of which i fucked up quite wonderfully. i didn't even have to try that hard to mess everything up. i just did. i think im gifted in messing up people's lives, hands down...im the winner.
but let's not talk about that now.
what pisses me off is YOU. suddenly appearing out of nowhere. waltzing back into my life like you weren't the inconsiderate bastard that you were before. and just because im too nice to tell you that yes, i seriously think you are an inconsiderate bastard, doesn't mean you aren't.
me not talking about it doesn't mean it's not there.
im not sure where you missed the message. but when i fucking walked out on you that night in galle...dude, i fucking meant it. and don't tell me to be a good christian and forget about the whole thing. because i think there are certain degrees of fuckwittage that the good Lord allows...and this isn't one of them. im sure He will understand if im not really keen on seeing you again.
why?
it's because being with you makes me doubt why im a protestant in the first place. it makes me rethink what i believe in, in a really really bad way. i ask myself: "if being a christian protestant means love and kindness and you're supposedly one with great faith and such...why o why are you SUCH AN ASSHOLE???!!!"
and why do you have to be so friggin hypocritical about everything? and why do you want to change who i am??
i've had enough boy problems in the past. do me a favor, GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME.
~*~
That being said, i want to skip the rage and move on to the melodrama. in a fit of utter dismay and/or annoyance...as of 2045 H yesterday...kevy has walked out me.
i dunno. and yes, i didn't do anything to stop him. i just stood there. looking stupidly at the falling rain in RMT. i was trying to count the actual raindrops forming from the sky or something.
why didn't i do anything?
it's because it is about time i let him go. i've been keeping him for too long. and for what? im not sure. i have to admit, someone to run to was definitely a thought. and although i've become so used to him and such...i don't miss him at all.
i don't miss him because i never loved him.
and it's really hard to miss things/people you don't even remotely love.
and yet, i feel that standing still wasn't enough. im not sure what i should have done or what i could have done...but im pretty sure i could have done something else other than just stand there, stupified. but i guess all things will work out for the best.
i will always trust the benevolent spirit..because it tells me there is nothing, absolutely nothing to be afraid of.
*sigh
~*~
im sorry. for making your life more complicated. and for not being who you needed. i hope life gives you everything you need. and i hope when i see you again on campus, you won't have an urge to hack me to death. im so sorry.
~*~
today is supposed to be like all the other days i've had. not that nothing ever happens in my life. that's not it at all. it's more like, a lot happens in my life. and many of those things that happen in my life don't concern you at all. actually, up till this morning i haven't even thought about you.
why?
because the last time i saw you (and this was a few months back, i think) you were an inconsiderate bastard. that and i had so many other things on my mind. there was jason. there was timothy. and now presently, there is kevin. relationships, all of which i fucked up quite wonderfully. i didn't even have to try that hard to mess everything up. i just did. i think im gifted in messing up people's lives, hands down...im the winner.
but let's not talk about that now.
what pisses me off is YOU. suddenly appearing out of nowhere. waltzing back into my life like you weren't the inconsiderate bastard that you were before. and just because im too nice to tell you that yes, i seriously think you are an inconsiderate bastard, doesn't mean you aren't.
me not talking about it doesn't mean it's not there.
im not sure where you missed the message. but when i fucking walked out on you that night in galle...dude, i fucking meant it. and don't tell me to be a good christian and forget about the whole thing. because i think there are certain degrees of fuckwittage that the good Lord allows...and this isn't one of them. im sure He will understand if im not really keen on seeing you again.
why?
it's because being with you makes me doubt why im a protestant in the first place. it makes me rethink what i believe in, in a really really bad way. i ask myself: "if being a christian protestant means love and kindness and you're supposedly one with great faith and such...why o why are you SUCH AN ASSHOLE???!!!"
and why do you have to be so friggin hypocritical about everything? and why do you want to change who i am??
i've had enough boy problems in the past. do me a favor, GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME.
~*~
That being said, i want to skip the rage and move on to the melodrama. in a fit of utter dismay and/or annoyance...as of 2045 H yesterday...kevy has walked out me.
i dunno. and yes, i didn't do anything to stop him. i just stood there. looking stupidly at the falling rain in RMT. i was trying to count the actual raindrops forming from the sky or something.
why didn't i do anything?
it's because it is about time i let him go. i've been keeping him for too long. and for what? im not sure. i have to admit, someone to run to was definitely a thought. and although i've become so used to him and such...i don't miss him at all.
i don't miss him because i never loved him.
and it's really hard to miss things/people you don't even remotely love.
and yet, i feel that standing still wasn't enough. im not sure what i should have done or what i could have done...but im pretty sure i could have done something else other than just stand there, stupified. but i guess all things will work out for the best.
i will always trust the benevolent spirit..because it tells me there is nothing, absolutely nothing to be afraid of.
*sigh
~*~
im sorry. for making your life more complicated. and for not being who you needed. i hope life gives you everything you need. and i hope when i see you again on campus, you won't have an urge to hack me to death. im so sorry.
Sabado, Mayo 7
Miyerkules, Mayo 4
trauma shots
sometimes, i just can't help but be myself. sure i try to make myself up when i face people i have to impress or people i don't particularly like. but among friends, i am just myself. recent events though have made me contemplate.
is it just me, or should i be hiding my craziness a little better? it's not that i currently have no friends anymore due to my craziness. in fact, it seems to amuse most people i meet. but i think i maybe be getting too fucking spontaneous. maybe, im too spontaneous for my own good. and needless to say, im too stubborn for my own good. when i see something i want, im determined to get it no matter what. im not a quitter. and of course i never really do run away from anything. i guess it's because i've been living my life with this thought: life is indeed too short. as an answer to this, i sought to make the most out of every situation. i cried my heart out when i needed to cry. i laughed my lungs out when i needed to laugh.and i forgave, no matter how hard it was to do it.
i did everything with a certain drive.
and this certain drive is driving him insane.
i know that we will never agree on many things. but i was/still am willing to make a compromise. i mean, life is too short (again i say that) to not make room for change. life is too fleeting to not accomodate people you care dearly for. i want a compromise. but apparently, he doesn't see it as possible. there are no grey areas in his world. while mine is full of those. i dunno what to do anymore. i don't know whether he's being a fuckwit or im being unreasonable again. this relationship isn't what i ordered, but when push came to shove...admittedly i fucked up. but i think i should be given a little credit for trying to fix things. and when it came to that point of fuckwittage, i was the one suffering.
o great.
so what's a girl to do?
simple.
find someone else to fuck.
after all, what is life if you don't fuck and be fucked in return?
is it just me, or should i be hiding my craziness a little better? it's not that i currently have no friends anymore due to my craziness. in fact, it seems to amuse most people i meet. but i think i maybe be getting too fucking spontaneous. maybe, im too spontaneous for my own good. and needless to say, im too stubborn for my own good. when i see something i want, im determined to get it no matter what. im not a quitter. and of course i never really do run away from anything. i guess it's because i've been living my life with this thought: life is indeed too short. as an answer to this, i sought to make the most out of every situation. i cried my heart out when i needed to cry. i laughed my lungs out when i needed to laugh.and i forgave, no matter how hard it was to do it.
i did everything with a certain drive.
and this certain drive is driving him insane.
i know that we will never agree on many things. but i was/still am willing to make a compromise. i mean, life is too short (again i say that) to not make room for change. life is too fleeting to not accomodate people you care dearly for. i want a compromise. but apparently, he doesn't see it as possible. there are no grey areas in his world. while mine is full of those. i dunno what to do anymore. i don't know whether he's being a fuckwit or im being unreasonable again. this relationship isn't what i ordered, but when push came to shove...admittedly i fucked up. but i think i should be given a little credit for trying to fix things. and when it came to that point of fuckwittage, i was the one suffering.
o great.
so what's a girl to do?
simple.
find someone else to fuck.
after all, what is life if you don't fuck and be fucked in return?
Martes, Mayo 3
mass hysteria
im so fucking tired. of every step i took to lead to this place. i don't know what i want anymore. and today, i don't give a flying fuck anymore. once again, my plans have been blown up into oblivion. but hey, what am i complaining about anyway? given that a. my plans weren't perfect and b. i've messed up other people's plans before and i expected them to live with it.
o god.
anyways, i think i should stay away from this whole transparency thing. i hate hiding things from people i care about...but there are some things that are best kept from them. goldfishy, you know what i mean.
*nervous laughter
i hope it'll be alright. and i hope i can get away and fix my life asap. because being like this isn't exactly helping anyone at all. and im not about to stay in this place of helplesness.i am not a little helpless girl, at times i seem to be...but im not.
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